When You Don’t Like Your Adult Child’s Partner
You raise them with love.
With worry.
With a thousand tiny acts of care that no one else sees—diapers at 3 AM, band-aids, birthday cakes, driving lessons, college move-ins.
And one day, they fall in love.
You hope it’ll be someone kind.
Someone who brings out the best in them.
Someone who, if you’re honest, fits in with your family. Someone who makes you feel like you still have a place.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” – Denis Waitley
But what if… they don’t?
What if that person your child chooses doesn’t greet you warmly?
Doesn’t engage?
Maybe they’re polite—but distant. Or maybe they’re not polite at all.
You try to stay gracious. You keep smiling.
But inside, something shifts.
And no one really talks about that shift.
The moment you realize you don’t like your adult child’s partner—and how deeply that can sting.
It’s Not Just About Them
This isn’t about disliking someone’s haircut or habits.
It’s not about being hard to please or “set in your ways.”
It’s about what their presence changes.
Maybe they don’t make eye contact.
Maybe they dismiss you in subtle ways.
Maybe your once chatty daughter now filters every word through her partner’s presence.
Maybe your son, who used to call just to say hi, now only checks in when it’s convenient—and always with a second voice in the background.
It’s not just about who they chose.
It’s about what that choice seems to say.
Suddenly, you’re not in the center of the circle anymore.
You’re orbiting it.
And that shift? It’s disorienting.
Even if you saw it coming.
Even if you thought you were ready.
The Clash of Unspoken Expectations
We all carry silent hopes.
We imagine our child’s partner will be friendly, warm, appreciative—maybe even someone who laughs at our stories, helps clean up after dinner, makes us feel included.
But the person they bring home might feel… off.
Not necessarily rude, just different.
Different upbringing. Different humor. Different way of doing family.
You say please and thank you.
They speak bluntly, or not at all.
You value eye contact and showing up on time.
They think nothing of showing up late or staying on their phone.
These aren’t deal-breakers. But they add up.
And before long, you’re left wondering whether you’re being dismissed—or just misunderstood.
“I Just Don’t Like Them” Isn’t the Whole Story
When we say, “I don’t like who my child is with,”
it’s rarely about just that person.
Often, it’s about what their presence costs us.
We miss the closeness we once had.
The little daily check-ins. The feeling of being the go-to person.
We grieve the change, even if we don’t realize we’re grieving.
Sometimes it comes out as criticism.
“They’re too controlling.”
“They’re lazy.”
“They don’t respect me.”
But underneath it all, the real question is usually:
Do I still matter to my child?
You’re Not Alone
You’re not the only one who’s felt this way.
I’ve had quiet conversations with more than a few friends who felt this shift like a slow heartbreak.
One friend’s daughter stopped visiting after she got married. Not out of anger—just… life. Her husband wasn’t close to his own family, and my friend felt the ripple of that in every canceled dinner.
Another friend’s son married someone who never quite warmed up to the family. There was no fight, no blow-up—just a quiet wall that never came down.
And in both cases, the parent ended up feeling like they were walking on eggshells in their own relationships.
They didn’t want control. They just wanted connection.
The Hardest Part: Loyalty
At some point, often quietly, your child will start choosing their partner’s side.
They should. That’s part of adult partnership.
But knowing it doesn’t always make it easier.
You might say something—gently, hopefully. And your child responds with, “Please don’t make this harder.”
Or worse, “You always make things about you.”
That’s when it hurts the most.
Because you’re not trying to compete.
You’re just trying not to disappear.
Letting Go Without Leaving
So what do we do?
We breathe.
We take a step back—not out of defeat, but out of love.
We remember that letting go of control isn’t the same as letting go of the relationship.
It might mean fewer opinions, more patience.
It might mean finding other ways to feel fulfilled, outside the role of mom or dad.
It definitely means softening where we want to tighten.
It means trusting that we’ve done our part—and our child is doing theirs, even if we don’t agree with every step.
And sometimes, when we stop pushing for a seat at the table,
we discover that the chair was there all along—we just needed to sit differently.
If You’re in the Middle of This…
You’re not being too sensitive.
You’re not being dramatic.
You’re feeling something real: a shift in your role, your rhythm, your relationship.
It doesn’t make you unloving.
It makes you human.
So if you’re struggling with your child’s partner, try to pause and ask yourself:
Is it really about them? Or is it about what I feel I’ve lost?
And if you’re the child reading this, please know:
Your parents aren’t trying to stand in your way.
They just don’t want to be left behind in a life they helped build.
There’s room for new love and old love to coexist.
It just takes time. And a little tenderness on all sides.
– Kate
Real life, real experiences. Share your wisdom, your wins, or even the mess — because life after 50 is worth talking about.
